Find a way
by secretxlittlexdarling
Summary: They tried their thing, but they failed. Now everything is changed, yet fate has a different plan for them. They just have to find a way. - Rated for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**A.N.: This is my first NCIS:LA ongoing story, so sorry if i mess up. **

**I want to thank Beth for beta-reading it and saying she likes it (although i still believe it's crap) and i hope you enjoy this...**

**Disclaimer: i own (almost) nothing.. only the self-created characters my mind put together.**

* * *

Kensi woke up, already hearing the tapping from far away. A slight smile passed over her face, but as she looked at the alarm she groaned. "Really?" she mumbled to herself as she turned in the sheets. It was barely 5AM. The door crept open and soon there was the tapping of little feet hitting the ground. Blinking she smiled at the sight of him trying to climb on the bed.

"Momma," he grinned after he successfully climbed and crawled next to her.

"Hey big boy," she grinned, reaching for her son and cuddling him, causing him to squeal in delight. "You're up early this morning." Kensi tickled him, releasing a giggle-fit from him.

"No-momma-nooo..stop," he whined trying to get out of her grip. "Bakfast? Yah?" he asked.

"Oh no, Josh. It's too early.. how about a little bit snuggle time before breakfast, and then we get you ready for daycare?"

"Otay," he sighed, snuggling to Kensi, soon falling asleep before Kensi's alarm rang signaling that they had to get up.

"Come on Bug, let's get you some breakfast."

"Hmmm yummy yum." He rubbed his tummy, before Kensi picked him up and brought him to the kitchen. It had taken more than one accident for Kensi to learn not dress him first, because the majority of the food would end on his clothes anyway. She put together today's breakfast while he waited patiently for her to serve it; the patience made her often wonder if he really was her son because he definitely didn't get it from her.

"Here, remember you have to eat up if your want to be a big boy." She ruffled his hair, giving him a kiss on the forehead as she started to make herself some breakfast and a coffee. Having a kid made Kensi eat healthier, of course she still was the sweet tooth she always was and probably would always be, but she had limits now. It wasn't any good if Josh ate so much candy, so she herself ate less too. But of course, whenever Josh was in bed and Kensi was relaxing on the couch she would get herself a treat.

"All ready!" He clapped his hands, which were still sticky from the banana he'd just eaten. She quickly wiped his hands and took him to his room, cleaning him up and dressing him.

"Alright, you're gonna watch some TV while mommy is getting ready, all right?" He nodded, already engrossed into the children's TV show that was on. She took a quick shower and got ready. Grabbing her bag, keys and phone, she put Josh on her hip and left the house.

"I go play with Kristen?" her son asked her, while she buckled him into his car seat.

"I'm sure you will play with Kristen today, you're friends and friends play with each other."

"Friends." He clapped his hands together again, her kid was definitely a social magnet. She couldn't remember how often elder people in the mall stopped and waved and he was just open and connected with them all so easily. You wouldn't even need to bribe him to come with you, he would just go with you if you talk to him.

After she dropped Josh off at the daycare she made her way to ops. Entering the bullpen she was greeted by the team; Callen nodding at her while reading his newspaper, Sam giving her a smile while he typed away on his computer and her partner, talking on the phone to, what Kensi guessed, was her husband.

That's right - her partner, Special Agent Hannah James. Replacing the LAPD Detective Marty Deeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N.: Sorry for the late update. I've no internet at the moment so updating is causing some problems. I am working a lot on this story, and my other story called "Switch", while i have no internet. So there is more to come.**

**Thank you for sticking with me and i'm sorry again. As soon as i'll have internet again i'll update again.**

**Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the review i got on chapter 1 & all the alerts (i can check my emails with my phone). So a really big thank you to everyone who left me a review, it made me happy to read that this story is getting good feedback. It also kept me writing.  
**

**And for those of your who asked about Deeks: don't worry he'll be mentioned soon :)  
**

**Again, i would like to thank Beth for beta-reading! And keeping me updated what happens in the Densi, Neric and NCIS:LA fandom :D  
**

**Now, ENJOY !  
**

* * *

"So how was the little one today?" Hannah grinned, while she and Kensi were getting coffee for the team; which was damned on a full day of paperwork duty.

"The usual, you know? Waking up way too early and being my little man," Kensi grinned at her.

"Oh I know," she laughed, all too aware of the feeling because of her little boy, Ethan. The little guy was older than Josh but whenever they met age was forgotten and they were best buddies, even though Josh couldn't quite yet understand that Ethan was allowed to do more things than him. Kensi told him they were risky and he could hurt himself but Ethan never hurt himself, and so Josh became a little bit risky too, which caused Kensi to worry even more.

"Well it's time that we meet up again," she grinned.

"Oh like last time? David gets to watch Josh and Ethan while we down that wine bottle because of our worries?" Hannah laughed.

"HEY! That was one time only," Kensi protested. "And don't tell me you didn't need it either."

"Touché. But the walk of shame the next day wasn't that nice."

"Don't remind me. I mean that's how Callen and Sam are; but Callen shouldn't even be talking, Sam – maybe, he at least know what it's like having to wake up in the middle of the night."

"It's time that Callen gets a girl."

"Oh YES! But you're not the first to try."

"Why? Sam tried?"

"No…" Kensi sighed, not really knowing why she had started this topic.

"Oh.." Hannah realized. "It was your ex-partner?"

"Yeah," Kensi breathed out. "Eric and Nell finally got together, our thing was working itself out…and one evening we were just sitting there talking and he thought it was kind of not fair, you know? Eric and Nell together, Sam being married, the two of us working it out and Callen being left out, all alone. So he called in a few favors from some girls that he thought were Callen's type. In the end Callen did go on all the dates that were set up for him, but there wasn't a girl for him. And nothing has been tried after that."

"I'm sorry Kensi," Hannah whispered and hugged her friend. Kensi hadn't noticed that a few single tears had escaped her eyes; thinking back at the good times they'd had reminded Kensi what she was missing now.

"It's okay. Just let's get this back to the guys before they send a search party out for us because we didn't get their oh so beloved coffee." Kensi smiled, but even she knew that it wasn't convincing. Yet Hannah agreed to make their way back. Going back to the car Kensi had a weird feeling that she had seen a familiar face go into the coffee shop, Deeks? But turning back around, she saw that it wasn't him. Now she was definitely going crazy.

Back at ops, Callen and Sam decided to pick up on the time it took the girls just to grab coffee.

"Can't you two be on time just once when you go get coffee?" Callen smirked. Hannah, as she walked into the bullpen behind Kensi, shook her head trying to signaling them to shut the hell up, but Callen didn't get the hint. Maybe Kensi was right, Sam definitely knew how to read a women's look, but Callen – he was clueless.

"What 'no'? You want to challenge us or something?"

"G," Sam looked at him, moving slightly over to Kensi, before looking back at Callen.

"I am here you know?" Kensi mumbled. "And I'm fine before you consider asking."

The rest of the day was uneventful, no new cases – which was a miracle. But therefore a long day filled with paperwork.

"Hey Kens, you in for a team night out?" Callen asked, trying remedy his mistake from earlier.

"No, sorry," She smiled. "I'm just gonna have a nice dinner with Josh at my mum's, and then the two of us are going to hit the hay. Tomorrow's just as busy… maybe this Friday though? You know with the weekend and such, and I'll get my mum to watch Josh."

"Okay, Friday then," Callen smiled.

With that said, Kensi packed her stuff together and left the bullpen with a smile on her face. A planned night out, and she was finally out of work and on her way to see her little guy, who brightened her day just smiling at her. She drove to her mom's house and wanted to stop by to get Josh, but her mother ushered her in offering dinner and who was Kensi to say no to that? Besides that her son was already having a sweet slumber on the couch.

"So, how was your day?"

"Long, uneventful and boring," Kensi smiled at her. Ever since they had contact again, her mother couldn't stop worrying about her; especially with the fact that her daughter was a federal agent and had a child herself now. It stuck in Julia's mind that at any moment her daughter could die and her grandson would be left with nothing. Of course _she_ would take him in. But she often wondered what happened with his father. "How was Josh today?"

"Good as always." Her mother smiled. "Although…no," she mumbled to herself, rather than to Kensi.

"Mom spit it out." But Julia shook her head at her daughter's request.

"Did Miss Kelly tell you that he misbehaved again? Mom please tell me," Kensi pleaded.

"Yes, Miss Kelly told me something. But it wasn't about Josh misbehaving. They're in this phase, honey," Julia tried to soothe.

"What phase?"

"The one where they talk about their parents, and everyone was talking about their Daddy's, and Josh didn't know what they meant so he talked about his uncles. Miss Kelly told me he probably thought that he was the only one that has them, since he has no father. But Ben, one of the kids, started talking about his uncles too. I guess Josh noticed that he was missing something all the others had, so he asked about it – the whole day." Julia sighed finally looking at her daughter.

"What did you tell him?" Kensi whispered.

"That mommy would talk to him."

"MOM!" Kensi protested.

"Kensi. He needs to know who his father is. You didn't tell me who it was, and I bet knowing you, that none of your friends or colleagues know who the father is either. And I am fine with you not wanting to tell me, well I'm not, but still I accept it. But he... he deserves to know. And that guy, whoever it is, he deserves to know that he has a child."

"Mom it was a fling - nothing more. I don't even know what happened to the guy, and if I did I wouldn't want him to have anything to do with Josh. He has me, he has you and he has his really big family at ops. Like he already said, a lot of uncles and aunts," She replied strongly. In one way she was angry at her mother bringing her into such a situation. On the other hand she knew that her mother, although Kensi hated to admit it, was right. Her son needed a father. Looking back over her shoulder she saw her little boy sleeping peacefully, his light brown, slightly curly, hair a mess, probably from tossing around in his sleep.

"If you don't do it for any of us, do it for him," her mom said, as if she knew what Kensi was thinking. _For him I'll do anything_, Kensi thought to herself.


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N.: Sorry again ! (i just have internet for an hour :/ it's the only thing i can get right now.) So no i am not back yet, but here's a new chapter anyways.**

**Oh and i forgot the disclaimer so here it is: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING (!) except Special Agent Hannah Jones, her family & Joshua (Kensi's son)**

**& Thank you all for the feedback.. i love knowing what you think of the chapters.**

**Thanks to Beth for beta-ing :D**

**Now Enjoy!**

* * *

On the drive back to her apartment, Kensi glanced ever so often in her backseat, where her little boy slumbered sweetly. He really did deserve to know about his father, yet she was afraid that it would hurt him. What would happen once when she told his father about his existence? How would HE react? Would he try to take her little boy away from her? He couldn't, could he? With a sighed she tried to push these thoughts away. For now she was glad that Josh was sleeping and wouldn't ask her questions about it.

At home she pulled him carefully out of his car seat, not wanting to wake him for different reasons. Inside she quickly and still carefully changed him into his pajamas before she tucked him in. He was mumbling slightly in his sleep, while Kensi brushed a few stands of his hair out of his face. Smiling down at the sleeping child she was suddenly filled with such pride and hope, that whatever would come in the future, she would get through it. She couldn't really believe that she had managed it this far. Never she would have thought to see herself like this, and now – now she had a two year old son, which would turn three soon. She had managed to raise him although she had a dangerous job and his father was not in the picture. If it was by choice or not – well that would be needed to discussed because it depended on the point of view someone would take.

Kensi went to bed, set her alarm and hoped that Josh decided to sleep longer than her alarm for once. And before she realized the night was over and she was woken by her phone ringing. Well at least that meant that Josh was still sleeping.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Good morning Miss Blye. We're really sorry to disturb you this early, but the daycare will be closed today due to a broken water pipe. We just go to know ourselves and we're really sorry. I hope you're still able to manage to find someone to watch Joshua." Miss Kelly, Josh's teacher from the daycare, said.

"Oh, it's okay Miss Kelly. I think I'll manage it somehow. Do you know how long it'll take to get it fixed?"

"We think a few days at least so we decided to keep the daycare closed for a week. Again, we're sorry for the circumstances."

"Okay, thank you for telling me. And don't be sorry, it happens. I think I'll be seeing you next week then."

"Yes, see you next week, Miss Blye." Miss Kelly answered and hung up the phone. Kensi sighed, now she had to figure out where she would leave Josh. Glancing at her alarm she groaned. Maybe Josh was still asleep, but because of the daycare she was again up at 5AM. After a few minutes of thinking Kensi dialed her mom's number.

"Kensi, did something happen?" her mother picked up after a few rings.

"No, well maybe yes… the daycare just called and they need to close for a week because of a broken water pipe…I was wondering if you could watch Josh."

"Oh honey, did you forget? I start work today..I'm sorry darling, I can't help you."

"Oh gosh, right. I totally forgot. Sorry mom. Okay…well I call you later, and good luck with that job."

"Thanks. Love you honey, and good luck with Josh." They ended the call.

"Damn." Kensi cursed. Life was totally against her now. Was it because she didn't want Josh to know about his father? She had her reasons, even if they weren't the best. After a few minutes of thinking, Kensi decided to call Hetty and just call in sick, she was sure Hetty would understand since she was basically Josh's other grandmother.

"Hello Miss Blye, what pleasure do I deserve to have you calling me?"

"I would like to call in a leave for like a week. The daycare has to close and I can't find someone to watch Josh."

"Oh, well that doesn't fit good in our schedule either, hmm…how about you take young Joshua with you here, I will manage to get someone to watch him while you work, since we have a very important case waiting for today. Besides that I think that Miss James will have the same troubles." Oh yeah right, Kensi totally forgot that Hannah's son Ethan goes to the same daycare as Josh.

"Okay, well if that'll work I'll just do that."

"Oh don't worry Miss Blye. We will make it work. I see you in a few hours." Hetty reassured Kensi and ended the call. With a sigh Kensi glanced once again at the alarm and decided to get ready already. At least you could do it without stress today. After the normal morning routine Kensi arrived at OPS and saw that Hannah also had brought Ethan.

"Oh we have two new agents." Callen grinned.

"You need to watch out, G, maybe they will take your place over soon." Sam joked.

"Then you're going down with me." Callen grinned.

"Come on Josh, how about you play something with Ethan and your toys?" Kensi took the bag with toys to the couch and sat helped Josh settle in, while Hannah did the same with Ethan.

"I hate it that we get a important case right NOW, I wouldn't have minded a week at home with Eth."

"Same here." Kensi sighed. "But it's always like that."

"Miss Blye, Miss James – I see the young boys are already settled. We have prepared for you two that Eric and Nell will be watching out for them when you're out on the field. We also try to keep you here if that's possible. For the briefing we have Mr. Gretz watching them"

"Nate." Kensi grinned, hugging him.

"Thanks Hetty." Both females then replied and went after the guys upstairs to be briefed, Hetty following them.

"Mister Beale, would you please." Hetty gestured after everyone entered.

"Alright. This is our victim Sergeant William Davis. The cause of death is still unknown, but it's suspected to be murder with toxin, which actually leads us to the next information." He explained before Nell took over.

"The toxin is possible to be in a new drug that's getting popular under the name 'Skyfly'. It effect shall be to not feel any pain, physical or emotional but while this you have no side effects. Basically they get it out with saying it's the perfect medicine for soldiers or depressed people. And only one gang in Los Angeles is suspected to sell it."

"Okay, great, let's get to that gang and the case is solved, beside the fact that Sergeant Davis is involved in this, I can't really see what NCIS has to do with this." Callen looked over to Hetty, after all she was the one who announced it was a big case for them.

"That is because LAPD and CIA are already trying to take down the drug gang, as you can see unsuccessfully. The CIA lost an agent already, also due to the drug. He was undercover for the CIA in the drug gang, they figured out he's not who he said he is and killed him with an overdose. We believe something like that happened to our victim, that he maybe found something out he shouldn't have found out. Therefore I invited the CIA's other undercover agent and their handler, along with LAPD's undercover operative and their handler. Gentleman, please come in."

The door opened and two men in a suit entered, a file in their hand. It was clear that they were the handler. After them came the two undercover operatives, more casually dressed. It was quiet in the room until Kensi's gasp broke it.

"Deeks?"


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N.: I'm sorry i left you with that little cliffhanger. Alright.. good news: MY INTERNET IS BACK (since i think 3 days) but i just got aroung to come online and update. So sorry. I try to update more regular and often now.**

**THANKS BETH - for beta reading everything (all the chapters till now and the following too :D so basically the whole story.)**

**and now ENJOY !**

**again i would like to thank everyone for their feedback (reviews + alerts)**

* * *

"Hello Kensi," Deeks replied huskily. The previous day he had considered whether he would bother coming or not, trying to find a way out of it without them growing suspicious, but Hetty had put pressure on both the handlers forcing Deeks to come, whether he wanted to or not.

"You're now LAPD-CIA Liaison," Callen mocked him, oh yeah, that was partly another reason why he didn't want to come –it was going to be gang up on Deeks day again.

"Mr. Deeks is not an LAPD-CIA Liaison; he is an undercover operative for LAPD. This joint operation of LAPD and CIA had happened by accident, but we do not intend on both sides of the agencies to cooperate further than that, only if it's needed," the handler of the CIA told the team.

"Alright," Hetty tried to break the tension. "Ladies and Gentlemen – this is Detective Sebastian Wood and Detective Martin Deeks, LAPD. And here we have Special Agent Manuel Hunt and Special Agent Zack Mount, CIA. Gentlemen, I believe you've been briefed about my team." And hell, Deeks sure didn't miss the look that Hetty shot him. He hadn't actually been briefed about the team, but he knew the team and figured that ever since he'd left some other agent had replaced him. From where he was standing, he guessed that it was the blonde woman beside Kensi, who seemed to be staring at him intensely and switching glances between him and Kensi. _'Great, just what I need'_, he thought, figuring that Kensi told everyone what had gone down.

The briefing itself went down quickly, and Deeks was left wondering why he had even needed to come. His Handler, Detective Wood, had explained all what happened during the case while Deeks had stood awkwardly next to him. The same had happened when the CIA handler had spoken, making Deeks and Mount feel of out of place.

"Thank you Gentlemen, for sharing your information with us," Hetty thanked them and turned to her team. "If you have any questions to the case, or for the operatives - they will be here half an hour until they go back undercover. I beg you to use this time wisely." Hetty nodded and left. Callen and Sam went straight to Deeks.

"What are you doing here?" they asked, both of them staring him down.

"Don't worry in half an hour you won't see me again," Deeks replied bitterly.

"What the hell Deeks?" Callen groaned. "Do you know what you did when you left? You tore the team apart. Kensi wasn't like she used to be and neither were we. Do you have an explanation why you left all of sudden?" Oh wow, he never thought that Kensi wouldn't have told them anything.

"Private reasons," he replied sighing.

"Hey Deeks," Eric smiled. Deeks smiled to himself; at least someone here seemed to be happy to see him back.

"Eric," he replied, forcing back his smile.

"You got time to surf some time?"

"Oh you know, actually I'm doing a shit load of undercover work right now. But I'll call." As if he would call, he may be blonde but not stupid – Eric was a good guy and all, but in the end the team would know about it and Deeks didn't need that.

"Can I have a word?" Suddenly a female voice interrupted. And there she stood; looking at him with fierce eyes, probably angry that he had come into her territory, even though he hadn't really wanted to.

"Sure." Deeks nodded a sort of goodbye at the others as he followed her out, while Callen and Sam turned to talk with the CIA.

"Fifty bucks that she yells at him," Sam betted.

"Deal," Callen agreed smugly.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi glared at him. Wow, he really seemed to get that question a lot, although the briefing should have told her why he was here.

"Just doing my job. Don't worry I'll be out of your hair as soon as leave this place. And I am not here by choice." Kensi paused a moment; that was just another stab in the back; she knew she was quite harsh to him, but he didn't have to say what he did.

"Good to know," she replied quietly, the change of attitude made Deeks realize what he had just said.

"I'm sorry, but it's true. Don't tell me that you want me here, because that would be a lie. And everyone else is on your side anyways, so they don't want me here either, therefore I'm not here by choice. Only because Hetty is Hetty and pulled all her LAPD strings that make them do what she wants." Deeks' tone grew a little harsher than intended, but he really couldn't understand why that tiny woman was so damned to still ruin his life, even though he, technically, had nothing to do with her anymore.

"Well that's Hetty."

"Yeah," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. Why did he suddenly have the urge to talk with Kensi? Why did he suddenly wish that nothing had gone wrong back then? And why was he close to grabbing her and just kissing her where she stood? Just as he was about to say something, he was interrupted by Kensi's phone.

"Yeah Callen?" she answered, signaling Deeks to wait a moment.

"Nate just called, Josh is fussy. I'm already down here but he's not really calming down," Callen answered

"Mommyyyyy," she could hear a whine in the background.

"I'm coming." She hung up and went around one of the walls, away from the small corner in OSP where they had been talking and went downstairs. Deeks followed her, not exactly wasn't sure why himself, but after all she had just walked away with no explanation. He stopped at the entrance of the bullpen and saw Kensi walk over to Callen, who had a young boy in his arms.

"Mommy," the boy whined.

"Come here my little guy." Kensi pulled the boy close and hugged him.

"Wow," Deeks breathed, shocked at the scene he'd just had witnessed. At his comment Kensi whipped around, eyes wide. "Just wow… I- wow- You two- wow-Kensi, a mother? Oh my…" He let out a big breath before turning around and practically running out of OSP. Outside he took a few deep breaths, shaking his head. What had he thought? That she would wait forever? He hadn't even got the right to think so – they had tried and failed. Suddenly, he felt for sick for even wanting to have thought all those things - kissing her, being back in her life. Unconsciously he knew that he had never really gotten over her, hence why they hadn't spoken in years, but apparently she had moved on – quite well as well.

Suddenly the doors opened again and Kensi walked outside, joining him.

"Deeks it's not like you think," she just said, one part of her was asking why he even cared, while the other part felt the need to justify to him.

"It's okay. I just-" he looked at his watch and realized the half an hour was over. Detective Wood exited the building, a few seconds after Kensi had. "I have to go. Bye. Have a nice life," he said. Screw whatever happened during the operation now, screw that he might get compromised. What was honestly holding him back now?

"DEEKS!" Kensi yelled furiously, not knowing what to do but desperate to change something. But Deeks didn't turn around; he just kept walking as if he hadn't heard her. She watched how he simply got into his car and drove away, no last glance, nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N.: OMG GUYS ! I wake up and see this story has got over 30 reviews.. THANKS SO MUCH ! **

**Disclaimer: I own Josh, Hannah (+her family) & the CIA agents + Deeks handler, the rest is not mine.**

**Thanks Beth for beta-reading it :D BEST BETA READER IN THE WOOOORLD !**

* * *

A frustrated Kensi walked back into ops and was quickly called over by Callen, who did his best at trying to calm the young boy in his arms down. Josh was crying and it broke Kensi's heart to see him like that; he was crying because she had scared him when she'd ran off to justify herself to Deeks.

"Come here," she said and he immediately held his hands out for her to take him. Finally in his mom's arms he clung to her like a little monkey, which coincidentally was also a nickname they'd given him when he was younger because he'd done the same thing since he was a baby. Quietly Kensi whispered soothing words into his ear and rubbed his back to calm him down.

"Don't you ever think it's weird to see her like this?" Callen voiced, bumping his partner with his elbow.

"Sure, she's Kensi, always badass. And handling a child actually always reminds us that she still is that, because it's a picture we never thought we'd see and here she is proving us wrong, as always." Sam smiled, both senior agents looked at their junior agent with pride. Because after all she was and always would be their little sister, no matter what happened.

"Wise words, Mr. Hanna." Hetty snuck up to them, causing her agents to jump in surprise.

"After all these years, how do you still manage to do that." Callen pointed his finger at her.

"Oh Mr. Callen, you will get used to it after a while. But I suggest you two start following our lead for now." She handed Callen a file. "These are the current updates we have received from the CIA and LAPD; they named a few possible suspects and I want you to get the proof that they're right or wrong. Now, please go." After ushering the two of them out, she turned to her junior agent, only to find her gone. Turning again, she caught a glimpse of her upstairs entering OPS.

"Hey Nell?" Kensi asked, still holding Josh in her arms, hoping he would doze off soon because crying could be exhausting.

"Yeah?"

"Do you maybe know when the next check in is and where, and who?" Kensi rambled.

"Sure, let me check." Nell quickly typed away on her keyboard. "Okay, next check in is for Deeks, on Thursday at 2PM – and it's going to be here. Both CIA and NCIS decided that when they check in with their own agencies, they will meet somewhere on the streets but now that this is more than just their case they decided the meet up will be here from now on," she smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I need to talk to him," she sighed.

"Kensi..." Nell broke the sentence off.

"What? Nell, tell me."

"I don't know what you want to talk about with him, well I can guess… but… just think about it, last time he was really crushed and it took him a while to get over it and.. yeah." Nell sighed, looking down on her keyboard as she confessed it.

"Wait – you had contact with Deeks?" Kensi asked confused, but also a little hurt. She remembered how Deeks had told her he would go back to LAPD if it didn't work out between them. And one day she had been really mad at him and had yelled at him "to go back from where he came from". And it was just as harsh as it sounded. Just like that one thing lead to another and you had the two of them fighting, all the time, even a few comments below the belt were thrown around like it was nothing – and there went the trust.

"Well, actually Eric and Deeks surfed together a few times and I tagged along with Eric every now and then," she mumbled. "And before you're mad at me, I didn't tell you because it's your thing with him and I have nothing to do with it, I also didn't tell him a thing about you – I swear," Nell quickly rambled on to Kensi.

"Please don't say 'thing'," Kensi cringed.

"Sorry," the analyst mumbled.

"But what do you mean 'I should think about it?'"

"He had a hard time moving on, you know? Eric told me most of what they talked about, although I am pretty sure that they talked about a hell lot more and Eric is keeping it a secret from me. And when Eric keeps it as a secret, it's something bad," she whispered the end or her sentence.

"Define bad?"

"Really bad, something that he wouldn't want me to worry about," she sighed. "Although his plan doesn't work, I am pretty worried already."

"Why?"

"I thought the bad thing was that Deeks was undercover again on his own or something, but Eric actually told me that after the first meeting with Deeks after you two split, well Deeks said he was going undercover that night and that he wouldn't care if he came out alive." Nell told her with a shaky voice, she still couldn't believe Deeks had told Eric such a thing. But at the same time she believed Eric, because he would never make something like that up and well – he was her fiancée after all.

"Oh my god." Kensi was honestly shocked. She had never suspected such a change in Deeks' behavior just because they had broken up. Actually she thought he would have the next girl lined up quite soon and have shoved it in her face that he was happy again.

"I know," Nell whispered. "And if Eric told me that, then the other thing has to be much worse and that frightens me. I mean he's a friend after all." She sighed. Kensi didn't know how to react to that. For her, Deeks was nothing; not because he didn't mean anything to her, because that was actually an understatement, but rather everything had gone so bad that she didn't know where to put Deeks in her life anymore. If he was even still in her life. Nell took her silence that maybe she had done something wrong by telling her. "Sorry," she said, once again.

"Don't apologize, it's my fault anyways," Kensi gulped.

"That's not true, you both share a part in everything that happened and that's it. You can't blame yourself Kensi," Nell argued.

"Okay, well…could you do me a favor?" Kensi sighed, this was not how she planned it all, but it had to be done.

"What is it?"

"Can you please call or text Deeks and ask him about a meet up, or maybe get Hetty to schedule an earlier one?"

"Okay?" Nell asked confused.

"Well I have to fix some things, don't I?" Kensi gave her a wry smile.

"How about you go and talk to Nate before you make some drastic decisions. Not that I don't want to support you, because I'm both your friends and I would love to have you both back… But I think Nate does a better pep-talk than I manage to." Nell stood up from her chair and pulled her friend in a sideway hug, while rubbing the little boy's back a little, just to see that he had dozed off. "Shall I get him downstairs on the couch while you go and see Nate?" she asked.

"Could you?"

"Of course," she grinned and took the sleeping boy from Kensi. Smiling to herself as she went down the stairs she couldn't help but feel hope. Kensi was considering talking to Deeks again, and now she could get Eric to work his magic on Deeks and get him to come talk to Kensi. And maybe everything would turn out all right in the end. And maybe the thing that Eric wasn't telling wasn't as bad as she thought. Maybe things could go back to normal again.


	6. Chapter 6

**A.N.: Sorry for the wait, i've been a bit busy. Thx Beth for beta-reading. **

**Also a warning: the next update will be a bit later due to exams.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS:LA or the characters, i just own my self-created characters.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Kensi, what can I do for you?" Nate smiled as she entered his office with slight hesitation.

"Do you have some time?" she asked quietly, not bothering to tell him right away what this was about, after all he could be working on something important, right?

"Of course, come sit." He stood up from his desk chair and moved to the couch and patted the space beside him.

Kensi never really liked shrinks, Nate noticed that right away when they had first met. But he'd also learned later that it was just the feeling of being judged that made Kensi hate them so much; she hated that shrinks would sit on their chairs while the patient would sit or lay on the couch rambling their problems and feelings out, while the shrink didn't really listen, instead they played with the paper in front of them. Nate's personal favorite idea of what shrinks wrote down on the paper, like Kensi told him, was a grocery list for after the session. So to not be the stereotypical shrink she thought of, he put her in equal situations. He would sit beside her, without a notepad or anything else shrink-cliché. He would be like a friend, listening, comforting, silent – or whatever was needed for the situation at hand.

"So.." he drew out, while he waited for Kensi to start.

"Well… Okay I'm just coming out with it now. I told Nell to set the meeting for Deeks earlier, like tomorrow morning. I know it's a silly idea because he probably has no chance to gather any intel within a day and therefore has nothing to report and it's just a stupid and really silly idea from me. But I really need to talk to him. Especially after what Nell just told me. Did you know that he said he didn't care if he died? He told that to Eric, who of course shared it with Nell. And that was just after we broke up, and I can't believe him… HOW DARE HE THINK LIKE THAT, NATE? We just broke up, no big deal. That was a total overreaction of him, wasn't it? Tell me why he did that? How is that right? And today he was so weird. We talked and I'm pretty sure he hates me now, he hates all of us, except Eric and maybe even Nell. He even hates Hetty for making him come to the meeting. That's not fair at all, is it? I mean come on Nate, it's Hetty – nobody ever hates Hetty, the one you don't want to be on the bad side of. He's even said so himself in the past, so why is he being so stupid now? God, why?" Kensi rambled, without realizing it she was just getting it off of her chest. She stopped and caught her breath, because her rambling had gotten faster and faster and by the time she had finished she was out of breath. "Why?" she whispered again. Her voice breaking slightly.

"I can't tell you that, Kensi. The one you should ask is Deeks himself, because you can ask everyone here, and they will just give you the impression they have of what Deeks 'would' say, but that doesn't mean it's actually what Deeks himself thinks," Nate replied, not giving her the answer he knew she wanted.

"Nate, please," Kensi whined, she was on the edge right now and he wasn't really helping. "Then tell me what YOU think he 'would' say," she finally said.

"Well for one I would think that his feelings for you were big, so big in face that he can't just switch them off and act like nothing ever happened. That would actually explain why the two of you couldn't work together anymore and he went back to LAPD. On the other hand, I've heard about that fight between you and him, and although I know that he let out a few comments below the belt, I also think that you weren't completely innocent in it either. Because you also let those comments slip. And it hurt on both sides, yours and his. There is no 'but he made more comments' or 'I didn't mean it like that' in this situation, because the number doesn't matter – it was said and it hurt the other person. So I believe, he really didn't care if he died – he was hurt and he'd just lost something important in his life. I saw how much he would rely on you, because of your partnership, friendship and lastly your relationship. And that all was gone. He knew that Sam and Callen wouldn't take his side – you are after all their little sister. Nell and Eric were just part of your little family and Hetty, although she doesn't takes sides, she would hold her family together. He was the outsider, he had probably seen no chance at all here. To him, leaving seemed to be the best decision – the fight only worsened things for him. I believe he felt empty and alone – and the fight with all the comments or not, it lead him to fall lower than he already was. He was kicked in the gut for trusting and sharing intimate information. All in all it made him not think properly about his actions, which lead him to being reckless and not caring if he died. There you go, that's what I think he would tell you."

"Oh my god," Kensi breathed out shakily. "That's even worse than when Nell told me about it." Slowly she pulled up her legs, pulling her knees to her chest, hugging herself, while she rested her forehead on her knees.

"Kensi?" Nate asked quietly, rubbing her back. "Why do you want to talk to Deeks?" he said softly after she had turned her head to the side to look at him.

"I... I just need to fix this all. I knew it was bad between us. But I now…now I need to fix this hell of problem even more. I can't- I can't do nothing now, Nate. Nell said it was better to think it over. I don't see why. Why do you think Nell wants me to re-think it? Does she know something that I don't?"

"I think Nell is worried, for both of you. She probably wants the two of you find an answer to your problem, but at the same time she's probably worried it will open old wounds again. What if he has moved on? What if he's buried this all deep down and locked it away? You're not the only one who does – did that on your team. You all do it. And then you all have and exception in that you talk to a few selected people about it. Callen for example – he takes it to Sam when he knows he has had enough. In return Sam does the same to Callen. Hannah, she actually found that person in her husband, Nell and Eric have each other, You – you opened up to Deeks and you open up to me most of the time. Deeks – he had you. He never opened up to me. All I knew about Deeks' problems were what was in his file. In here? In this room? He still had the feeling that he had to put on his mask. You, and maybe Hetty, caught a glimpse behind that mask. I think even Hetty has someone we don't know about that she opens up to, and you all open up to her too. You trust her."

"Why do you always need to be so wise Nate," Kensi sighed and pouted, an uncommon sight of her.

"Joshua is cuter with that little pout he got from you," Nate commented and brought a slight smile back on his friends face.

"I know," She whispered. "He's my everything."

"Of course he is," Nate smiled.

"Hey Nate, one more thing, do you think I should contact Josh's father? My mom told me they start talking about dads at the daycare and Josh was asking questions."

"That is up to you, Kens. If he's not a bad guy or you just feel to tell Josh about it, then do it. You have to be comfortable with the decision and you need to think if it's good for Joshua," he advised.

"Hmm…okay… and Nate?" she asks, slowly standing up.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she admitted, giving him a tight hug. "Oh, and you don't need to call him Joshua the whole time. Josh is okay," she grinned.

"You're welcome. Josh it is then, until I feel like calling him Joshua again," he smiled. "After all you gave him that name."

Shaking her head, Kensi laughed and headed out of Nate's office. Her decision to talk to Deeks had been set, but she could wait till Thursday. Now she just needed to decide about Josh's father. Was it worth it? He deserved to know, that was clear – but wasn't it better for Josh to not know his father, instead of having one that was never around?


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N.: I apologize for the wait, but i already warned about it in the last chapter. Also i would like to thank you for the reviews and alerts! I would've thanked each of you personally in a message if it wasn't for my exams taking over.**

**But here is the good part - the most stressful week is over now.**

**And in celebration that i wrote my last maths exam in my life i'll update this story :D**

**I hope you like you. Enjoy!**

**ps: i tried something different, so tell me what you think of it :)**

* * *

Deeks sat in his trashy alias apartment. After all he was a lowlife scumbag again; selling drugs to all kinds of people just to get money. But that was how his life had always been - playing the bad guy to get the actual bad guys. And Deeks had always tried to put a distance between his alias and himself; holding on to something that would allow him to get back. However, he had trouble doing so when he was alone at LAPD; there he always held onto his case handler or onto the victims that already had lost their chance. He held onto them to justify their death. When he came to NCIS it had been at first the team. Coming back to a place where he felt that he belonged. He held especially on to Hetty and Nell. Hetty because she gave him a place where he belonged, and Nell because much like him, she had been thrown into the mix later on, so therefore she made him feel welcome more than the others – after all she knew what it felt like.

After a while he held more and more onto his partner, their thing. He knew he couldn't let her lose another partner and he didn't want to either. And when they finally made their thing official, giving it actually a try to work – then for sure it was her he held on to.

But now – now he was alone, nothing to hold on anymore. The team – left behind. His case handler? – They just wanted the results. All he had left was Monty and he was trying really hard to at least hold on to him. He was the only one left of everyone that cared.

But after what had just happened earlier in the day, the lines were blurry and it felt so easy to just give in and screw whatever lines and rules there were. Monty would forgive him, wouldn't he? He had been there the whole time. He had been there throughout the worst times. And now was one of them again and he couldn't be here. There was no chance now. With a sigh he glanced at his burn phone, signaling that he had a new message from Pizza per Message, saying:

Your order has been placed, please confirm that you ordered Pepperoni Pizza for Thursday at 2pm.

It was obviously from OSP, telling him that he once again had to go there. He had really hoped everyone was out and he just had to deliver his news, nothing else. Right now he didn't need this screwed up past in his life, he had done everything to leave it behind.

After Kensi made it quite clear that he was worth nothing and she hated him, he had gone back to LAPD. He needed the money, so when Bates revealed the new case to all free undercover operatives he just sprung up and offered himself for it. He'd ignored the warnings because of the risks, he'd ignored that Bates told him that this wasn't just a few month undercover stunt. He just went in, he dove in head first. So Marty Deeks had changed his identity to Ramon Greyer, ex-teacher, thrown out because of his anger issues. His mission was to get into the biker gang that was suspected to kidnap children and teenagers, beat them and leave the frightened before selling them to rich people as slaves. The whole motto of the gang was that the kids needed to be taught a lesson, so an ex-teacher with anger issues would be handy for them.

And how right they had been. It hadn't taken Deeks more than 2 weeks to get into the gang. At first he was just organizing places like warehouses, hotels, motels, etc. But that wasn't good enough for them to end it all, so he'd had to stick around, knowing that whenever the big guys were out running so called 'errands' they actually were either getting new kids, beating the kids up or selling them. To say that he'd hated it would be an understatement.

After two months of organizing places, the big guys finally trusted him some more. They figured if he would've been a cop they would've been raided out already by knowing the places. But that hadn't happened. So now they also let him handle the money transfers. It had then taken them another 3 months to let him be a guard for the places that the kids had been kept in. So far the whole operation was easy, as far as you could call it easy.

But after the 7 months, they had 'upgraded his status'. He was now one of the few chosen people that 'taught the kids a lesson'. And never in his life had he felt so sick of himself than he did now. It reminded him of his childhood – he was doing exactly those things to the kids that happened to him as a child. He knew how those kids felt and how they would feel for the rest of their lives, and he himself, would never forgive himself for it, for ruining their lives. So he was glad when the beating phase was finally over. That meant he fully had their trust.

And he did. They had no one watching over him anymore; he would do the beatings alone, which actually meant for him that he wouldn't hit the kids as hard as he was told to do, but because of the cameras in the room he still had to do it. He even went to a few sales with the man in charge of it all. Either he handled the kids or he handled the money transfer.

Finally after 10 month he had gathered enough intel, he had all the addresses from the already sold kids, he had the whereabouts of the currently missing kids, he had a copy of all money transfers. And so he sent it all to Bates and the day after they raided out the place. So far, so good.

A shooting was opened, of course that was no surprise at all. But that he had been played all along was the big surprise. They really had believed that he wasn't cop, up until his 9th month with them. Then everything had turned; one of the group didn't believe him and still watched even though he was constantly told nothing unusual happened with him. Their Ramon Greyer was clean, one of them. But that couldn't be right, so after some digging and some favors from members of other gangs, the one man mistrusting Deeks had finally found someone who identified him as cop. And to make it worse it was someone from gang that he and Kensi had gone into and immediately were compromised as cops.

Ramon Greyer was compromised. The man who had mistrusted Deeks, Samuel Davidson, managed to get to Deeks and shoot him three times; one in the leg, the other two in his stomach. And if that wasn't enough, Davidson had suddenly pulled out a knife and just as he was about to plunge it into Deeks' neck, he had been able to turn enough so that it only hit his collarbone. Even with his three gunshot wounds and blood weeping out the jagged cut in his collarbone, he couldn't give up. Grabbing a pipe that lay near his head, he had hit Davidson on the knees, forcing him down on the ground. Quickly followed by a fellow officer coming over and cuffing Davidson before he could do more damage. Due to his big blood loss Deeks eventually blacked out and whatever happened next was unknown to him.

The next thing he remembered was waking up in hospital, a month later. He had fallen into coma for a whole month. The doctors told him that he'd also suffered a head injury – which he didn't know how he got until Bates showed up and told him that after Davidson was arrested another fellow biker had took over and hit him with the pipe he had used against Davidson – causing a broken leg, the same that was shot, broken ribs, and also a head injury. But this was after he had blacked out so he didn't remember a thing.

The doctors also told him that his next of kin had always visited and wanted constant updates. That meant that Hetty knew exactly what had happened to him, but still he was left alone. He had figured that she would've visited him one time at least, when he was awake. But no – the nurse had told him that the class and demand for updates had stopped since he had woken up. And there he was again – lost and alone – betrayed by his feelings of putting trust into someone.

The next day he had asked the nurse to erase the current next of kin and put the LAPD headquarters instead. He also told them to just inform them when it was really bad, as in life threatening. The nurse, obviously confused, did as she was asked. And since that day Deeks had sworn himself to never ever put trust into anyone. He was destined to be a lone wolf. Maybe Callen lived like that because he knew it was safer for himself.

It had taken him a few more months to recover, then he was made to take test after test and talk to every different psych there was to make sure he was cleared for the job again. Deeks was surprised how stupid shrinks could be, they'd actually believed him when he told them he was fine. Maybe the year undercover had given him more time to hide his feelings and he rebuild all the walls that the team had took the previous years to break down. That Kensi had broken down. But they were back again, and even tougher than before.

Now he sat on his alias' bed and thought back. Why hadn't Hetty come? Maybe that was when Kensi had gotten her son; did that mean they were at the hospital at the same time? Was it too much to visit an ex-colleague or ex-employee? Bates was even more caring for him, and that was already meaning something.

With a last deep sigh Deeks switched of his night lamp and went to bed. Tomorrow was a new day of gathering intel – a new day in his screwed up life as Marty Deeks. He figured he maybe should do a reality show out of his life, it would gave other people something to laugh about. The pathetic life of Marty Deeks. With that he slipped into dreamland filled with nightmares about his father and the last mission.


	8. Chapter 8

**A.N.: I apologize for the long wait. School was getting the best of me. But here is chapter 8. The next one will be up soon, maybe in a week.**

**Thanks for the kind words in your reviews on the last chapter and i also would like to thank the new story followers. Keep it coming, it's really a motivation to keep writing. But don't be shy to express criticism either, i'll learn from that too :)**

**Now enjoy !**

* * *

The next morning came by far too quickly for Deeks. The constant nightmares had awoken him more than once during the night; at one point in the night he'd even fallen out of bed because he'd been thrashing around in his sleep, trying to escape whatever nightmarish monster it had been in that particular one. After what seemed like the 50th try to get back to sleep, he just decided to stay awake. At first he just lay in bed, his eyes closed as he took deep regular breaths. In and out. In and out again. Concentrating on his breathing allowed him to push all of his thoughts in the back of his mind. He wasn't Marty Deeks; therefore he didn't need to think like Marty Deeks.

He was Sebastian Miller now. In the gang he was better known as Mills. A drug dealer; known for always having the newest stuff on the market and the best prices. The gang had taken him under their wing for a deal. You could see it like this: the gang had the new drugs, not 'Mills' but the gang couldn't sell much of the new stuff, like 'Skyfly', because they hadn't got the contacts. 'Mills' had they contacts. Mills needed the gang for the drugs and the gang needed Mills to sell the drugs for them.

Every day Deeks would spend his free time, the time not spent on the streets roaming around to get his stuff sold, in his alias' apartment watching mindless television and thinking about how many people had already taken the drug. For the LAPD it was already enough to know that the gang _produced_ 'Skyfly' themselves, but the CIA wanted to know _where _they produced it, and who else was helping a gang of lowlife scumbags to produce a highly toxicity drug, that had already killed a civilian, a marine and who knew who else. The joint operation was what was keeping them from raiding the place out already. Before getting Mills' contacts, the gang had only been dealing 'Skyfly' to a small number of people, so much so that they had even used homeless people to try it out - with fifty bucks for their 'help'.

His train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the doorbell. Slowly he pulled himself together, answering the door only in his boxers.

"Yeah?" he asked, glancing at the kid that stood there.

"You Mills?" the teenage boy asked.

"What d'ya want?"

"Miguel told me to give you this, some sort of important mail from the boss." He handed Deeks a small package. "Never seen, never heard, never known." The kid then clasped Deeks' hand and walked off. Seemed like Miguel, the guy he worked for at the moment, had gotten a new boy as delivery boy. And taught him well too, Deeks thought as he kicked the door shut. He walked into the small kitchen area and slit open the wrapping of the package. Opening it, he found a new package filled with every kind of drug.

He abandoned the package on the counter and instead made himself a cup of coffee; it was too early for drugs right now. He made himself a bowl of cereal too, to get him through the rest of the day; whenever Miguel sent a boy over in the early hours, it meant that he wanted Deeks to do other things during the day as well, instead of just the usual evening deals.

After finishing breakfast, he went back to the package to check for the letter he knew would be there. The letter with all the information of what was to come.

_"Yo Mills,_

_Got your new stuff._

_Boss wants to meet his new golden boy before he goes on hunt._

_5PM – John's Bar_

_Don't be late._

_- Mig"_

Deeks thanked god for this message. This was the chance to finally end it all; they would know the boss. He would have the information that both the LAPD _and _CIA wanted, they could finally raid the place. Then NCIS could take over and investigate the marine's murder. For a split second he was happy that it would all be over. But then he remembered it all - everything that he had pushed away so neatly. When _this _ended, he would be confronted. Not only by Kensi, but by the whole team, especially Hetty. And he'd have no undercover work to hide behind. That was something he was not looking forward to. He was barely able to avoid them all now when he went to the scheduled meetings that kept taking place.

With a sigh he went back to his room and got ready for the day, sending a quick text to Special Agent Zack Mount, the CIA undercover agent. Of course the message was encrypted, asking for coffee; it was their code if anyone was able to get a meeting with the boss. Asking for take-out was their code for any new news which needed to be delivered to the handler, and since they would switch their times to check back in at OSP the other would take the new information with them, because every lead was important.

The ping of his phone signaled an answer and as expected Mount had asked for take-out instead of coffee; that only meant that Deeks' day tomorrow began a lot earlier than he had wanted to. But who knew what would happen tomorrow? After all, he couldn't even be sure if he had a tomorrow. Especially since the former CIA agent, who had died during this case, had also had a meeting with the boss right before his dead. Maybe they had finally found out that someone else other than CIA were investigating them. And maybe, he was finally being pulled out of this joke that Marty Deeks called his life. In a way he was worried, but it also sounded like a relief to him. What else would you expect from a hurting man?

Deeks grabbed his stuff and exited the apartment he lived in; if he was going to die today he at least wanted to go out having had a good day. He went to the beach and rented out a board from the local surf shop. And in that moment, Deeks didn't care that he was going against all the protocol. He wasn't Sebastian Miller right now, he was Marty Deeks. The cocky, smartass LAPD detective, formally LAPD-NCIS Liaison Officer. Marty Deeks who had had a relationship with Kensi badass Marie Blye but failed to keep it. But at least he could say that he was one of the two men that had gone past Kensi Blye's one date rule.


	9. Chapter 9

**A.N.: Here is chapter 9! The next one will have a delay in posting.**

**Tell me what you think and i hope you enjoy :)**

* * *

Thursday finally came around and Kensi couldn't contain her excitement. Despite what had happened between her and Deeks, she was feeling really giddy to meet him again today. She really hoped that their talk today would fix things; not that everything was good again, but that at least they would talk with each other, like normal. She didn't even expect him to be friends with her again or have a relationship together; she just wanted the Deeks back that she knew; the one that didn't hate her. So when she woke up on Thursday she got Josh and herself ready and then drove to the OSP; being there early gave her some time to play with Josh.

"So what you want to do little man." She held his hand as they walked into the bullpen. Immediately he let go of her hand and ran off towards the couch where most of his toys were stocked up, ready for the week he would stay here with her. After finally finding what he searched for, he came back with his arms full, carrying his pencil case, his drawing and a 'story' book. Since he was younger Josh had written his own stories, even if it was only him that could read them. "So we're drawing?" Kensi smiled, putting the drawing book along with the pencil case on her desk before pulling her son up to sit on her lap.

"Yeesshhh." The little boy clapped his hands and started to work right away. After all he had seen his mother work on those files and was now a professional when it came to working.

"What are we drawing?" Kensi asked, taking the black crayon, while josh was using the blue one; his favorite color.

"Josh," he simply answered and pointed on the paper for Kensi to draw him; and she did. She switched crayons and colored his hair brown and his eyes blue, and gave her drawing of Josh a big smile on his face.

"There you are." Kensi kissed the back of his head, while he was happily admiring her drawing of himself.

"Now Mommyyy." He twisted and gave her his best smile.

"Alright." She took again the crayons and started drawing. Slowly the mission came to life with more and more people entering. She knew that Sam and Callen were already somewhere in the building, because their bags were sitting on their desks but Hannah was yet to arrive. A glance at her watch told Kensi that she still had some time to spend with her son, so she continued drawing with him; him asking her to draw different people while he handed her the different colored crayons. In the end the opened double page of the drawing book was filled with drawings of Josh, Kensi, Eric, Nell, Sam, Callen, Hannah, Ethan and they were currently drawing Hetty. When she was finished she put the crayons away and started to close the book, but Josh abruptly put his hands down on the book and shock his head furiously.

"We not ready," he scolded, which looked more like a pout than anything else.

"We're not?"

"No." And now he was definitely pouting at her.

"Well who is missing then?" she asked, wondering if now he wanted her to draw one of his kindergarten friends.

"Daddy." He pouted again.

"Daddy?" Kensi asked. It was routine for her to draw with Josh and most of the time he wanted her to draw his family, but drawing Daddy? – That was new.

"Yeeeesh Daddy," he whined sticking his lip out even more.

"Alright," she sighed; well if she wasn't going to tell him about his dad, then might as well draw his dad. And so she began drawing again, being helped again by Josh. By the time they were finished, Hannah and Ethan had arrived causing Josh to lose interest in drawing with his mom; after all, his best friend was here now and they were going to play. Closing the book with a sigh, Kensi prepared herself for a new day at work; and suddenly she felt nervous. Deeks was going to come here and they would talk. Well that was if she could actually get him to talk with her.

"Morning Kens," Hannah smiled.

"Morning Hanns," Kensi grinned back.

"Are you up for a little sparring and whipping the boy's asses?" she smiled innocently.

"Yes please." Kensi quickly stood up and followed Hannah, not worrying about the boys because Nate had just come down the stairs. In the gym they found Callen and Sam working out, nodding at them as they entered the gym.

"Are you up for a little match?" Hannah asked them and they accepted without further complain.

"A little team bonding and showing the girls who is the boss? Sure why not," Callen remarked.

"We'll see who the boss is," Kensi smiled wickedly.

"Ohhh," Sam howled laughing.

"Just watch out," Hannah winked at them, before she and Kensi turned to the dressing room and got changed.

"So... any tactic on how we take them down?" Hannah asked while tying up her shoe laces.

"I say we go straight for it, you know… act like we're immediately attacking them and how we're determined to win, while in reality we wait for them to make their move. Just be bold. But that shouldn't be a problem for you." Kensi couldn't bite back the laugh at her remark.

"What's that supposed to mean."

"Oh, you see… we have those amazing tech couple up in ops, and a little birdie told me someone has been caught on security cams…making out…in the mission…and getting a little handsy." Kensi laughed and quickly scooted over before Hannah could swat her arm.

"You didn't…" Hannah glared at her.

"Well let's say I am a nice friend and asked the amazing tech couple to erase the feed."

"Thanks." Hannah hugged her, a slight blush on her cheeks.

"No big deal…I mean there has to be some of that, otherwise you wouldn't have got Ethan."

"We can stop now." Hannah ended the conversation, opening door and pushing Kensi, who was laughing, out of the dressing room.

The sparring was a quick deal and the girls had won in the end. When they came out the shower Kensi realized it was 2PM, so she quickly got ready and made her way up to ops. The doors opened and there he stood, updating Nell and Eric with everything he had found so far, handing them an USB-stick before looking up and meeting her eyes.

"Kensi," he sighed, he was actually glad when he found the bullpen empty, except for Nate playing with two boys, and to his relief ops too; well except for Eric and Nell. But here he was, clearly running out of luck.

"Deeks, we need to talk."

"I have to go back in." He searched for an excuse to leave as soon as possible.

"Like hell you have." She glared at him. "I know you don't have to go back before 3PM and seeing as it's just 2.15PM you still have some time left." With that she walked out of ops and into one of the offices in the back of the upper floor, hidden from all of the busy bustling of the mission. It was actually her thinking area; whenever she needed a quiet moment she would come up here. After she entered the office she sat on her usual spot by the window and hoped he would turn up. And soon after that the door shut closed and he leaned against it.

"You wanted to talk, so talk," he began, his voice hard, completely controlling every emotion.


	10. Chapter 10

**A.N.: I apologize for the long wait. School and christmas time kept me really busy, but now that there are holidays i hope i can update a bit more (no promises though, because i believe everyone know about the family meetings, etc.)**

**Here is the long awaited conversation. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Deeks don't be like that," she sighed.

"No Kensi, I told you exactly what I thought of being here, so let's just get this over with," he said, rubbing this face as if he was stressed.

"I...Nell…I know some things that I can't quite put together," she started but didn't know how to continue.

"And?"

"Why would you ever think like that Deeks? Why? I'm not worth it and it's just another relationship, so what's the big deal?" Kensi finally blurted out. At first Deeks looked confused with what she was asking him, but slowly and surely he seemed to realize what the topic was.

"You really think it was just another relationship," he laughed humorlessly.

"Yes. You and Me. We are just like any other person and by the track record of both of us it seemed just like another relationship. One that maybe lasted longer than the others but all together it was just another one to add to the list."

"Well newsflash, it wasn't."

"And why did we fail then?"

"Because you were so damn insecure again. Even this now, us talking about this, shows how insecure you were then. You really believed you were just another relationship on my list? Well let's explain it to you step by step: I fell in love with you a long time before we even got together and _you_ were the only one that didn't see it. Ray… he saw it first, he started saying that we had a thing... That's when I started to wonder if I was feeling more for you, or if these feelings I had for you were already more than just friendly feelings - the one you have for a work partner. Eventually I caught up with it and had to realize I was completely and utterly in love with you. Yet, you the one that was engaged, the one that isn't going past the first date – you didn't see it, and that I was thankful for."

"What? You were thankful I didn't love you?"

"Yes I was. I just didn't want to be another one night fling you had; I didn't want to ruin a friendship that was getting better and better by each day passing. And certainly I didn't want to lose a place that felt like home – since you know how they like me oh-so much in the department." He rolled his eyes at his sarcastic remark. "I didn't want to lose that, losing to see you every day," he added with a more softer voice, and also his control on his emotions were working on their own; his eyes showing just how much he cared for her.

"Deeks," she whispered, not trusting her voice.

"And hell, when Callen and Sam came up giving me 'the talk' about hurting you, _then_ it was official; I had to try. They actually thought we were fooling around with each other, just because we had a movie night once a while. I had to get Eric to pull up the traffic cams to show them that I always went home and that I always came with a movie in hand and fast food in the other. So yeah, I made my move on you and eventually… we had a relationship. My goal was just to show you and tell you how much I loved you every day. But even then you still doubted me. Ignoring all the signs," he sighed.

"What the hell are you talking about? I never doubted you. And what signs?"

"You doubted me, Kens'. Why else do you think we were fighting? Don't you remember that _you_ were the one that started? You said I was having an affair, that I would dodge your calls and lie about my whereabouts; and yes I did lie to you, but it's not what you think. I know that's probably one of the questions you're still wondering about, because we never talked again after that last fight. And yes Kensi, I did lie to you and I dodged some of your calls, especially the ones when I was over at your moms; talking about the things you liked, asking permission, visiting your dad's grave and asking permission. I bought a damn ring to ask you to marry me. But guess what? We never got that far because your insecurities took care of that. So here's the answer to it all; my so called _affair_ was your engagement ring. Happy now?" he spat, and all the feelings he had blocked for so long and all the memories of their time together came back in a flash, hurting him all over again.

Kensi was shocked, her hand by her mouth trying to hide her gasp; eyes glistening with the tears that had begun to pool in her eyes. He was right; she had started it and still had believed it till now. Never had she thought he could be telling the truth when he had told her that there wasn't anyone else. So for her it was better to end it all and regret that she had gone past the one date rule just to be hurt again.

"I also asked your mom how Jack proposed, just to avoid anything similar. I wanted you to remember it because of us and not him and whatever similarities could've arisen."

"Deeks…I..."

"No it's okay; you wanted to know; now you do. So yeah it wasn't just another relationship for me," he breathed out with a wry smile.

"I'm sorry." She stepped closer, touching his arm. "I'm so sorry," she whispered all over again, the tears finally making their way down her cheeks.

"Don't cry." He gently wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb. "It's okay. It's over." He gave her the best smile he could muster.

"How can you say its okay? Deeks you wanted to marry me. And I just screwed that all because I was extremely insecure and jealous and couldn't believe you loved me." She pushed him, the tears still streaming down. "I never let you explain and that is not okay. Not okay at all."

"But it is. You had your reasons, and it's over. I'm over it, so its okay," he told her, hoping she wouldn't catch his lie. Because, in reality, he was actually far from it. He had made sure that the ring wouldn't remind him of what he had lost and gave it away; it wasn't like he needed it anymore. And eventually he figured that moving to a different apartment would also do its job. Other than that it was just part of his life now to keep his mind busy with work and surfing.

"I…Okay…I'm sorry. Deeks…I- I just wanted to fix things. After what Nell told me, it was a must do. I'm so sorry for everything." She looked down.

"Hey look at me, its okay. Alright? We talked about it and its okay now." He couldn't take her looking like that, so fragile and broken. It was always a weapon against him. All someone had to do was take Kensi, hurt her in any way, and then they would have him doing everything to make it stop.

"No. You have to tell me how I can make it good again. Please? Deeks, please," she pleaded and it took all of his strength not to say 'Let's try again'.

"Just be as badass as you always were and probably still be," he gave her as answer, then he glanced at his watch and added: "And better let me leave now, because I really got to go."

"But Deeks we still need to-" The click of the door behind him cut her sentence off. "-talk," she sighed.

"Great. Just great Kensi, the guy you broke up with just told you he wanted to marry you before your relationship ended and the actual topic you wanted to talk about hasn't been solved either. And on top of that you just cried your eyes out and probably look like a wreck. JUST GREAT," she told herself. Seemed like she had to get Nell to help her _again_. And hopefully this time without Nell thinking that it was a bad idea.


	11. Chapter 11

**A.N.: apologize dearly for the long wait. It really wasn't my intention to let you wait this long. I hope you are still interested in this.**

**Enjoy! And sorry once again.**

**Disclaimer: i don't own ncis:la and its characters.**

* * *

Sam and Callen drove onto the grounds of the mission and saw Deeks leave the building and quickly get into his car. But although he'd gotten into the car, he hadn't drove off yet, confusing them both. _Why the hell wasn't he driving away? _Theylooked at each other and confirmed that they were thinking the same; getting out of the challenger they slowly made their way over to Deeks' car. Just as they were about twenty feet away his car came to life and he drove off. They concluded that either he'd noticed them or whatever had got him stuck for that while was overcome now. Once his car was out of sight they shrugged off the detectives' behavior and strolled into the mission, heading to their desk. In the bullpen there was no trace of Kensi or Hannah, though their two boy were playing with Nate.

"Hey Nate… have you seen Hannah or Kensi?" Callen asked.

"As far as I know Hetty asked for Hannah and Kensi headed up to Eric and Nell around 2pm, right after Deeks arrived."

"Anything else?" Sam asked, sensing there was more than just what the psych just told them.

"Well Nell came down and asked if Deeks had already left, but he hadn't because he went off with Kensi for a while." Nate shrugged. "After some time he came down and left, Kensi hasn't returned yet," he told the two, who glanced at each other before heading up to OPS.

"Sam, Callen, what can we do for you?" Nell smiled at them.

"Kensi?" Callen asked and Nells face fell a little.

"She talked to Deeks."

"We already know that."

"Well I kind of hoped that they would fix things, you know? Maybe not being friends right away, but that they accept each other and don't want to rip each others' heads off. I don't know what happened, but Hetty asked me to burn some files and as I walked out Deeks burst out of one of the old offices and I heard Kensi saying that they still need to talk. So I assume that it went-"

"Hi Kensi," Eric interrupted loudly and the other three whipped around suddenly. Nell glanced at the woman and noticed the change immediately; she had been crying. No matter how hard she had tried to hide that fact, and she had, Nell was another woman after all and they just knew those things.

"You okay?" she asked her softly.

"I'm fine," Kensi answered. "Can I talk to you later for a sec?"

"Always," Nell replied, Kensi needed a friend so therefore she would be there for here.

"Alright. So guys, you got anything?" Kensi cleared her throat, changing the topic not so subtly.

"Oh yeah, the possible guys Mount and Deeks named all have alibis, but there seems to be something suspicious. At least 2 of the 5 named have a not so bulletproof alibi; the others check out okay and can be checked by Eric over traffic and security cams. Seeing as two of them were in the mall and the other one was at a truck stop. Our suspect list right now exists of Carl Jensens and Pete Berol. Their alibis are both just another one of their own gang members," Callen said.

"What's suspicious about Jensens is that his so called alibi has a family, and speaking as a father myself I would rather spend my Friday nights with my family and not someone from my gang. We'll check Jensens out later today and check out Berol's tomorrow. First we need you two to run a background checks on both of them," Sam directed his request to Eric and Nell.

"You okay Kens?" Callen asked.

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" she asked, not waiting for their answer and heading back down to the bullpen. She needed to be close to Josh right now, she didn't know why but it had become an instinct for her. She remembered when her mom and her had had a fight, it was nothing major but she was so caught up in her feelings that she didn't know what to do. So she spent the whole night in Josh's room, just being close to him and watching him sleep had calmed her down. That was the secret behind getting Kensi calm. So here she found herself sitting on the couch, watching Josh and Ethan play. Her son being one mischievous little guy, pushing Ethan's block tower so all the blocks tumbled down, before he laughed loudly at his doing. Kensi was about to tell Josh that it was wrong to do so, when she saw Ethan laugh too and high-five her son.

"Joshua is one joker." She turned around and saw Nate standing there.

"Are you doing a profile of my son?" Kensi asked skeptically, eyebrow raised.

"I can't help it, I do it for a living. But I'm just building a good one of course." He gave her a smile.

"Of course," Kensi mocked.

"No seriously. It's nice to finally see something so innocent and carefree," Nate said, while he came over and sat beside her on the couch.

"Innocent? Haven't you seen the little devil?" Kensi laughed to herself. "He's anything but innocent. He's my little trouble maker. I don't know how often Miss Kelly has called, telling me once again that he did something he shouldn't have. And then of course that cute little pout gets him out of everything," she sighed.

"Oh, that's how it works. I need to try that one with Hetty," Nate joked and Kensi couldn't help the spluttering laugh that escaped her.

"Oh I want to see that one. Maybe have Eric and Nell can record it so we can re-watch it in slow motion," she teased.

"You're just jealous because I could get through with it."

"You couldn't," she just smirked.

"Alright, I couldn't. But I knew someone who could," Nate suggested.

"I'm all ears."

"Josh."

"That's nothing new. He and Ethan managed to get Hetty to leave just to go to a donut store and get them something sweet," Kensi smiled. Josh had definitely gotten her love for sweet things, especially donuts.

"Now I definitely know that he is your son." Nate laughed and got swatted in the arm by Kensi. But she froze just after she hit him. This was wrong. It wasn't Nate she should be joking with. It wasn't Nate she should hit because of stupid and teasing jokes. It shouldn't be Nate she was talking to about her son. It should be Deeks. She should be joking with Deeks. She should be hitting Deeks for stupid and teasing jokes. She should tell Deeks about her son.

But Deeks wasn't here. And she doubted he would want to do all this. Even if he said he was over it, Kensi still felt guilty.

"Nate?" she whispered, looking up to him.

"What is it, Kensi?"

"Deeks was going to marry me," she breathed out, and saying it out aloud made it real. She had thrown away something that meant so much to her.

"I know," Nate answered, and that shocked her the most.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

**Do I deserve a review?**


	12. Chapter 12

**A.N.: HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE ! (i know it's not easter yet, but i won't be online later)**

**Might as well set out a warning: the next chapter will take a while because in a week and a half i have my finals and i need to study a lot for them. Though after that i'll work on more updates :) I hope you enjoy this. Please let me know what you think.**

* * *

"Yes, I knew."

"NATE!" Kensi protested.

"No, don't Nate me now," he sighed. "You can ask everyone here and they tell you the same thing. Why else do you think we all tried to talk you out of your affair theory. He asked us all if it was okay. He wanted permission from your father, your mother, and your second family. I believe that if one of us had told him 'No' he would have been sad, but he would have also not done it."

"Nate…" she just whispered now, close to tears once again.

"Kensi, you need to know this."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"He wanted it to be special for you, we didn't want to ruin the surprise."

"I meant, why didn't you tell me afterwards? When I threw everything away."

"We did, but you didn't believe us… Don't you remember us telling you that you were seeing this from the wrong point of view? That maybe he had planned a surprise for you? You denied all our tries to tell you otherwise, and he eventually told us to let it be. In his exact words he told us that he 'couldn't force you to be happy' and so we stopped, knowing if we kept going it would hurt him too," Nate explained, which Kensi thought was a little too late.

"Why now?" she breathed, controlling her feelings so that she wouldn't cry, especially not in front of Josh.

"I may have overheard you two talking earlier, because you chose the office beside me." Nate coughed.

"Oh."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"It's okay, I guess." She shrugged, silence following.

"How are you handling it all?" he asked her suddenly.

"As best as you can, considering that I threw away a relationship for stupid assumptions that I made, because in real life my boyfriend just wanted to seal the deal by asking me marry him, you know?" She rolled her eyes.

"Sorry. Stupid question."

"I'd have never guessed," she mocked.

"What did you mean by still needing to talk?"

"I still need to figure that one out myself," Kensi said, avoiding giving him a solid answer.

"Why's that?"

"Because I still need to figure some things out, Nate. You should know that the human believes he needs to think about his decisions before acting on them, while in reality it isn't the mind that makes the decisions, more your inner conscious that is battling with the logic of the mind to find the right thing to do," she told him.

"Still Wikipedia I see," she heard a voice say. Standing up from where she sat, she walked into the bullpen and saw none other than Ray standing there.

"Ray?"

"Wiki," he acknowledged.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, rater shocked.

"Yeah, I'm happy to see you too, Wikipedia," he joked. "Well, I'm here because your boss, that little ninja lady, asked me to come. Said something about helping with a case that Marty is working on. How is that thing between you two by the way?" he grinned at her.

"It's-"

"Mommy!" She was interrupted by her son, waving a piece of paper around above his head. "Look Ethan and I drew. Look. Mommy you not looking," he whined, pouting.

"It's beautiful, why don't you go and show it Uncle Nate."

"Oh'tay," he smiled and running back to where Nate was still sat.

"Is that-," Ray just managed.

"No, well… No. We had a thing."

"Had?"

"We were together a few years ago, I assumed he cheated, we fought, over," she summed it up, leaving out all of the nasty details that the others knew, just because they had been there in the middle of it all.

"Marty would never-" he said, coming closer to her.

"Yeah," Kensi sighed, guilt pooling more and more in her stomach. "He told me today…he, we…I made him leave after it was over…and now we've just got a joint case with CIA and LAPD and he happens to be there…" she gulped. "Ray, I really fucked up," she mumbled. "Real deep."

"Hey Wiki, it's alright. He won't hate you for that. I know Marty better than anyone," Ray told her, squeezing her shoulder.

"Today we talked, he told me he wanted to marry me, was planning it all and I thought he cheated. He must hate me. And to top that all he wanted to kill himself. Ray," She whined helplessly.

"You've got it bad," he sighed. "Hey, listen to me. Marty doesn't do guilt trips alright? So whatever he told you, he told you because he probably thought you deserved to know. And I also know that when he wanted to kill himself, that he got it real bad. I know him. Trust me, when I tell you that he thinks you've done nothing wrong. So don't beat yourself up now. You got a job to do, which includes keeping his ass out of trouble. And if you want to fix that shit you got? – well you just talk to him then. Give him one hell of a speech that knocks some sense into the guy, before I do it. And since you probably got your own guy, be still friends with him. Be there, ya know? It's rare that Marty lets someone in his heart, so guard it and appreciate that you're one of the few that got to do that, alright?" Ray squeezed her shoulder once again. "Now, excuse me…I need to talk to your boss," he smiled. "I hope we can catch up while I'm here. Maybe I learn a few new things," he joked, managing to actually make Kensi smile slightly.

"I've got no guy," she answered and Ray just looked at her in a way that said 'what are you waiting for? Go for it already'.

And after some thinking that was exactly what she would do. To hell if he didn't want a relationship. She would get Deeks back in her life. If it was as a best friend, friend, work partner or anything else? She didn't care, but he would be back in her life, that was for sure.


	13. Chapter 13

**A.N.: I apologize dearly for the long wait. But it's here now. And others will follow soon :) Promise. **

**Oh and little teaser: Next chapter you get to know things :D**

**Also: HAVE A HAPPY TRIP FERN ;D Don't worry you'll get chap 16 as soon as i wrote it^^**

**Disclaimer as always: i don't own ncis:la**

* * *

The end of the day slowly came around, but nothing new or interesting had happened; the case was still stuck where it had been hours ago. Nell and Eric had begun to analyze the data that Deeks had given them, which would hopefully give the team a new basis to work on tomorrow. Kensi had waited to catch up with Ray; she thought he could help her to get Deeks back into her life. After all, he knew the one and only Marty Deeks the best, didn't he?

But to Kensi's disappointment Ray was still talking with Hetty. At least that was what she assumed, as at some point during their conversation they had stood up, which Kensi thought had meant they were finished, but instead they had left together and neither had returned since.

"Hey Kens, I think you should call it a night," Hannah said, walking up behind her with Ethan on her hips, his head sleepily laying on his mothers shoulder.

"I need to talk to Ray," Kensi replied.

"Kens, I believe Hetty lead him away on purpose…besides that, there's always tomorrow. You need sleep. Josh needs sleep. Get out of this damn place and relax," Hannah suggested, or rather, she insisted.

"How do you expect me to relax after today?"

"Yeah I know you talked to your ex-partner who was also your boyfriend, but you have to let it go and concentrate on tomorrow. Everything will work itself out. Trust me." Hannah smiled and gave her partner, and friend, a one-armed hug.

"I hope so," Kensi mumbled.

"Have faith. Keep your head up and in the game, then nothing can go wrong, alright? See you tomorrow. And save me a lunch break, we need to talk."

"I will," Kensi sighed, arranging the papers on her desk for a third time. Josh, although Ethan was leaning sleepily on his mother, was still wide awake and building a tower.

"MOMMY! LOOK!" he yelled, pointing to the tower that he had managed to build taller than himself.

"Wow Josh," Kensi praised her son. "That's a pretty high tower."

"Josh knows," he replied, another thing he had picked up in daycare; talking in third person.

"How about we go and visit Auntie Nell and Uncle Eric upstairs?" Kensi suggested, remembering that she still wanted to talk to Nell but they hadn't had the chance earlier.

"Mariooo?" Josh jumped up excited, getting more and more hyper.

"I don't know if Eric will play Mario Kart with you, you have to ask nicely." Kensi laughed, remembering how she had caught Eric with Josh on his lap in OPS playing Mario Kart in the big screen. In the end it turned out that Hetty hadn't done anything against it because Josh had been crying and Kensi was nowhere around, and who was she to disturb, when the geek tried to calm down his godson.

Kensi hadn't really known who to chose to be the godparents of her son; her first choice had been her mom and one of the guys. But after a long talk with her mother she had thrown that plan over board. Her mother told her that since she was the grandmother anyways, she would always take Josh in and didn't need to be a godparent. The guys had denied Kensi, saying that the job wasn't the best, they were no more capable to take care of Josh than Kensi was; after all they all could die any moment in their life. In the end she had talked to Hetty who told her that she would do it, but in her opinion Nell and Eric were better suited for the position seeing as they couldn't get killed as easily as an agent could in their line of duty. And because simply they were the youngest. So Nell and Eric had become Josh's godparents.

"MAAAARRRIIIOOOO," Josh yelled repeatedly as he ran into OPS.

"Sorry Eric," Kensi shrugged, stifling a laugh.

"Oh, no problem. Nothing else I would rather do than play Mario Kart with my favorite godson right now," he grinned. Nell coughed and gave him a look, causing Eric to get all flustered.

"He's your only godson," Nell grinned.

"Don't be mean to him," Kensi defended with a smile. "But..Nell.. have you got time to talk?" she asked, realizing that maybe Josh's idea to play Mario Kart wasn't a bad move. Eric would play with him, which would distract them both from their conversation, and later, with a lot of luck, he would be worn out and she would be able to get him into bed straight away.

"Sure. Let's grab some tea," Nell suggested, making her way out of OPS and down the stairs, Kensi following her trail. Both women made their tea, to Hetty's disappointment it was in a bag, and sat on the couch. Thinking of it, this couch held a lot of memories of talks. But that wasn't the topic right now. "So what did you want to talk about?" Nell asked after she had took a sip from her cup.

"Deeks," Kensi simply answered, playing around with her cup.

"What about him?"

"I know you saw us…"

"Well I didn't, I just saw him leave. And later you came to us…" she trailed off, simply because she knew that Kensi wasn't one to admit weakness, and if Nell had mentioned the crying, then she had to admit that she was weak.

"Okay…I told it twice already, so why not a third? Third time is the charm, I guess… Well Deeks and I talked. And- I- We talked about what you told me. He told me that he wanted to marry me. When I told Nate about it he said he knew... that basically everyone knew."

"Well, Nate was right," Nell said, not daring to say otherwise right now.

"You knew too?" Kensi just sighed.

"Yes," Nell whispered. "More than you know."

"What do you mean "more than I know"?"

"He asked me to help with the ring. He hid it at my place so you wouldn't come across it by accident when you were looking for something else."

"Nell..."

"Also when you ended it, he came and told me I could throw it away or give it to someone else or have it myself. He didn't care."

"What did you do with it?"

"I didn't throw it away. I thought you were just in a phase, maybe you needed some time or something, and that he would still need it, you know?"

"And.." Kensi gulped. "And after that?"

"I kept it, not for myself of course, I would never even think of having it myself, even if he said so. I kept it till Josh turned one. But by then even I had lost hope so I gave it to Hetty. Of course she immediately knew what it was, even if she had never seen it before. At some point I really would love to know how she does that," Nell wondered, going slightly off topic.

"Okay, Nell…about my conversation with Deeks... well in the end the leaving thing and marriage thing was all we really talked about, and I couldn't really tell him what I wanted to talk about. So I really need to talk to him again. Which brings you here... maybe you could help me? I really want to talk to him again. I need to. I need him in my life, even if it's just as my friend. I have to make up for all these years, for what I did," Kensi whispered. And that gave Nell the spark that she had hoped for for so long. Now maybe she could work her magic and bring Kensi and Deeks closer together again. And Eric would surely help her.


	14. Chapter 14

**A.N.: SURPRISE! :D a new update for you, a new year for me ;D **

**Thought i couldn't leave you hanging like that and decided that i update this real quick before i might not get a chance later due to birthday celebrations.**

**As always i hope you enjoy it.  
**

**Disclaimer: i don't own NCIS:LA**

**PS: DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW :D feedback is always nice read (and helps for the following work)**

* * *

After last night's talk with Nell, Kensi was refreshed as she walked into the bullpen, with a still grumpy and sleepy Josh on her hip. Just as she had taken off her bag and put Josh down on the couch to sleep a little bit more, Nell came running down the stair motioning to Kensi to follow her. The analyst lead her away from the bullpen, where the rest of the team was currently working, and into a quiet corner of the mission.

"Alright, I managed to send Deeks a message about coming here today and he agreed. He doesn't know why but he's coming later around 4 or 5pm, and I'll just send him to the office you talked in yesterday. He couldn't really give me an exact time with the text code we used, but he's definitely coming," Nell said, smiling at Kensi who was visibly happier than yesterday.

"Thanks Nell. You're the best! If there's anything I can do, just let me know." The agent hugged her friend, thankful that she could complete the task she had asked.

"Don't worry.. I'll let you know," Nell just grinned cheekily, before heading back up to Eric to crack one of the two encrypted files that the CIA Agent had given Deeks to pass on.

During the day the agents just kept coming and going. Sam and Callen went to check out some of the suspect' old gang members while Kensi and Hannah had interrogated others in the boatshed, but all of them turned out to be saying the same; the suspect was clean – he hadn't had any illegal contact to other gangs and he wouldn't even meet up with his old fellows anymore. He would have rather lead a happy family life, which Eric had proved by going through his financial records. The guy had a low income, but still lived quite fully by buying baby things for his pregnant girlfriend.

Yet while they finally had something more interesting than paperwork to do, Kensi still couldn't shake off a weird feeling about later that day. Was it really a good idea to meet again? Especially after he had told her he had wanted to marry her? But she needed closure and meeting was what it would take to get that.

For their work, Hetty let the team off early, telling them to use the quality time. One by one they had left the mission, except from Eric, Nell, Hetty, Kensi, and therefore Joshua. The little boy wasn't at all disturbed by the fact that everyone had left, and instead kept building things with his blocks and writing stories which nobody else but him could read. Sometimes Kensi wondered if he could actually read what he had written or if it changed every time he did read it.

It was exactly 6.07pm when Deeks entered the mission, walking straight up to Nell who was already expecting him.

"The office," she just said and he knew exactly who would be in there when he walked in.

"Hey Kensi." He entered it, saw her standing by the window, nagging on her thumbs nail.

"Deeks." She whipped around.

"So…why exactly am I here, seeing as it's nothing case related?"

"Well…I…I needed to talk to you-"

"But we talked yesterday." He really didn't want a repeat of yesterday again. Of course it had been good to let it all out, and tell her everything. But still it was nothing he desired to repeat.

"Yeah, well actually that wasn't my point yesterday, I- we kind of headed off-topic."

"Okay, well then shoot."

"I…You…" she sighed, in her mind this had been a lot easier. 'Do it like a band aid', she told herself; quick and fast. "You're Josh's father."

Silence.

There was nothing to be heard in the room other than dead silence. At least that's what it felt like to Deeks. Kensi, on the other hand, couldn't hear anything other than the sound of her heart beating fast, the sound of adrenaline rushing through her veins. This was the moment that she had dreaded for so long.

"I'm sorry, did you just say I have a son?" Deeks whispered, his eyes closed. Damn him, Kensi thought, his eyes always showed how he felt and in this moment, when she needed to know the most, he had chose to hide that.

"Yes," Kensi replied, with nothing more than a breath. As fast as lightning, she went for the door and down the stairs into the bullpen where Eric was running through some feed on the plasma and Nell sat on the floor playing with Josh. Seeing Kensi arrive in a hurry Nell quickly hander Josh over, but instead of running away with Josh as she had expected, Kensi confused Nell by going back up the stairs again. Back to the room where Deeks still was.

Deeks was still stood where he had been when she had left, but when he heard her come back he suddenly whipped around, obviously just as shocked as Nell had been that she had returned.

"This.. This is Josh… Joshua," she said, and staring at him were two incredibly big blue eyes. They showed curiosity but also held a hint of mystery. "Your son," she added quietly.

"I just…" he started but closed his mouth again, like a gaping fish. He couldn't really say anything.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"I..I want to see him. I am his father after all, right? I have a right to see him…I know that," he began rambling. He had just found out that he had a song. And now the promise he had made to Ray so long ago could finally be fulfilled, he had sworn to him that if he had ever had kids, that he would be a better dad than his dad had been. This was his chance. He didn't care that he and Kensi had split, well he did care, but what was more important was that he would be there for Josh. His son. He would be a better father, even if they were split. Josh would not have to go through what he had gone through, that he was sure of.

"What?" Kensi asked shocked.

"I have a right to do so. He's my son," Deeks said, starting to pull all his knowledge of the law on her. And of course she knew that he had the right, but this wasn't how she had expected him to react.


	15. Chapter 15

**A.N.: LET'S CELEBRATE THAT I PASSED MY LAST EXAM TODAY :D still waiting for the other results though. But i thought now that i have a whole lot more time and freedom i update my lovely story.**

**Also: the next update will take a while - the next 3 chapters i had written got lost, sadly and i have to rewrite them. I try to do so asap.**

**I hope you like this...**

**and quick note to the story, WATCH OUT FOR THE SURPRISE :P**

**Enjoy!**

**ps: disclaimer - i don't own ncis:la**

* * *

"No."

"Kensi."

"NO!" Her voice grew louder and the little boy in her arms whimpered.

"I can always go to court, they will agree with me," Deeks started, but that just seemed to set her off and get her more worked up.

"NO! You can't do that. You can't take my little boy away. No! I won't let you take him away. He won't leave me. No, no, no." She kept going and going, while the little boy began to cry. Quickly she realized what was happening with Josh and focused on him, shutting Deeks completely out.

"Shhh Josh, it's okay," she whispered, stroking her sons hair and rocking him backwards and forwards in her arms. Even though Josh was slowly starting to calm down, she was still on high alert and now one bit calm herself.

As both of them hadn't really been quiet Nell had heard the fight, or rather the yelling and Josh's crying, and had ran to see what was happening. She opened the door and found a rather shocked Deeks, with his gaze fixed on Kensi who was crying just like her son.

"Kens..." Nell said quietly, trying not to startle the agent who was still focused on her son. "Give Josh to me…" she whispered.

"No." Kensi shook her head firmly.

"Kensi do you really want him to see all this?" Nell asked, she knew she wasn't playing fair, but she was trying to help her godson and right now he needed to be away from this mess. Noticing that Nell wasn't playing fair, Kensi glared at her. "Hey Josh, how about you have a sleepover at Auntie Nell's, huh?" Nell bribed.

"Nooo…. I want mommmyy…" the little boy whined, tucking himself into Kensi's neck and tightening his small arms around her.

"Come on big boy," Kensi sighed, accepting the fact that Nell was right. "One sleepover at Nell's and I will be there first thing in the morning to get you. Think about the pancakes you will get from Uncle Eric." She faked an excited smile, knowing that the inherited sweet-tooth would help to bribe him.

"Mommy," he still whined, but Nell managed to pick him up out of Kensi's arms, promising him all kind of things, just like aunts did.

Meanwhile Deeks stood awestruck in the room, watching such intimacy between Kensi and Josh. It was an unusual sight for him, he had missed so much.

"Kens," he whispered, breaking silence after Nell had left with Josh.

"You won't take away my boy. I will fight you, and even if it's the last thing I do. You will not take him away," she started, ranting away again, walking closer and hitting him in the chest, fearing the worst. Before she could hit him more he grabbed her wrists and held them close. She struggled violently against his grip, causing him to tighten it slightly so she could get away, but yet not too tight so he would hurt her.

"Kensi… he is my son…"

"You...you gave up…you-you were away. No. he's mine." She struggled harder against his grip, she just wouldn't calm down. Struggling a hand free and began pushing him away. "Stay away from me." But Deeks didn't move, instead he placed his hands on her shoulders, stopping her motions.

"I won't take Josh away from you. I would never do that to you. Never. You hear me?" He slowly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. "Calm down, Kens. You need to calm down," he whispered over and over again in her ear.

"Let me go." She struggled again but Deeks' hold was too strong. Eventually she stopped and collapsed against him, a sob wracking through her body. He pulled her closer, but that just made her fight it again; she wasn't used this. Deeks could see into her eyes which reminded him just how much he had missed her, missed those eyes, and just everything about her. Confidently he pulled her closer again, causing Kensi to gasp as their hips bumped.

"Deeks, let me go-oh," she mumbled as their lips met and suddenly everything vanished. She couldn't concentrate on the fact that he wanted to take Josh away. All she could think about was him, Deeks kissing her. And so she let her feelings take over. Their tongues battling for dominance while he backed her into the nearest wall of the office, her hands resting on his chest, clutching the material of his shirt, fearing that if she let go he would vanish.

"I missed you Kensi…god I missed you so much," he breathed, continuing to plant kisses on her collarbone.

"I missed you too Deeks," she answered, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him as close as possible. Her actions were followed by Deeks picking her up and carrying her to the desk. One hand securely around his neck, she pulled him back into the kiss, while the other hand roamed over his body. His hands held her gently, keeping her as close as possible, having the same fear as Kensi. Soon though a different action was on their minds.

"You should probably go," Kensi sighed, not really wanting him to leave.

"Yeah I should, or rather have to," he mumbled, playing with her hair.

"Can't you stay a little longer?"

"I wish I could, it's a miracle though that nobody has called yet."

"I know." Silence followed. But this time it wasn't a sad, angry or depressing silence – it was content.

"You're still hot, ya know?" he grinned and Kensi swore he was still the same old Deeks.

"Shut up." She swatted him, because from her position – leaning against his chest under the desk – she couldn't properly punch him.

"We still need to figure something out for the Josh situation." He certainly did not intend to forget about that, rather he wanted to find a solution that would include his hopes.

"Alright.. I guess we could get on this after your undercover op. I mean you could meet him properly…without outbursts and such." She mumbled the last part.

"That's great. We'll do that – yeah definitely do that." He kept talking while she detangled herself from him and began to get dressed.

"Get dressed, idiot, before Sam and Callen decide to go back and find you like this. Or would you rather have Hetty find you like this," she advised, her own little winning smirk set in place.

"Gosh, way to ruin the fun." And in reply he only got an eye roll.

"Whatever." She headed to the door.

"Hey, wait! No goodbye-kiss?" Deeks grinned.

"I'm sure you can do without," Kensi said, heading out of the door.

"Great, use me and then leave me," Deeks grumbled, picking up the rest of his things to leave the mission too. After all he really didn't want to get caught by Hetty, that would be rather embarrassing – but a very interesting conversation.


End file.
